I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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