Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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