Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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