how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
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At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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