I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
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We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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