if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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