My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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