i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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