this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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