its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
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Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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