the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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