Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
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you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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