seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
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When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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