i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
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How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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