I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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