you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize