I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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