I have demons in me.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
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Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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