he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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