He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
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Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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