I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
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Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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