Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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