He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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