i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
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I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
that may or may not have been my penis.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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