I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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