I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i dont even know how to be here
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
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Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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