The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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