We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
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Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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