Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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