a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
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I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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