my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
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I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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