so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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