I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
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I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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