I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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