you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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