what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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