dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
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He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
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Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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