Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
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I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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