I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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