Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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