Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize