My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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