dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
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You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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