it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
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I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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