Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
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I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
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But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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