i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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