Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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