chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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