I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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