i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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